Trauma

I once, I say, but once is not all, but these incidents of trauma only happened once in my life. The ones I speak of here on this page, this post.

I lived in Stockton, CA. I was a manager of a self-serve gas station. One morning as I was beginning to unlock the door, you know we lock thieves, but this thief came round the corner carry what appeared as a sawed shot gun. I could do nothing but do as he said. He wanted the money, what IF there was no money, I opened the safe but what he didn’t know was I didn’t access to all the dough. I envisioned while standing there opening the top of the safe with gun pointing up from my ass, being blown to pieces as he rubbed the inside of my leg, thoughts of being raped also entered my mind. No alarm button within reach that I could push. When he got all he could checks and some change, he made me lay face down, telling do not move or he’d blow me away. I laid there until I was sure he was gone. I got up and pushed the alarm button. Then I tried to call the police, phone was tied up. I don’t know how alarms work these days, I don’t work for money. I have dough now its been baked and I eat everyday, loving God even more for the healing he gives. You know it wasn’t God who caused the trauma. But is was God who providing healing. For some years after that incident I was constantly watching my back and being leary when out walking, always keeping a distance from others. I was in worry, tormented. But God supplied healing, time to let the past go that was not good. Something good came out from that incident though. I later worked at a convenience store in Fresno, CA. They did not have an alarm button near the safe. I insisted on having one put in. After I left that store I found out the new store manager used that new button and the thieves were caught not far from there.
I could continue after all these years to fret over that incident and say it just isn’t right that God would let such things happen in the world, but you know God wasn’t really in my life then, but He is now, and I do not fret and worry anymore cause I know people change, no matter happens to me. But it took another trauma to fully wake me up from my sleep. That one I thank God for, for I asked to know everything, when I woke and saw all the hell in the world. When only seeing we can block our feelings, become deadened. Thing is God also opened my feelings, I not only saw the hell in the world with all the wars, killing, rapes, murder, and thievery, I felt it, this was my emotional flood. Can imagine what it would feel like if you your self experienced all that at the same time. I hope you never have too. It was not a pleasant experience but to tell you the truth, if I had do it again I would, but I would rather not, I hope I remain in love of God for all the life I have in me.

About billiescauldron

I am in transition. I see myself as a Spiritual Writer and as such my blog will slowly change with me still holding tight to being in the garden as a child loving my teacher.
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